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Here's a special birthday edition of "Hellsing WTF?!". Yup, tomorrow's me birthday!

Act 2: Chapter 1: Bullet for my Valentines! (Hahahahah get it?! T.T...Of course you do.)


Jan and Luke Valentine sat alone in thier apartment. Jan was flipping through channels on his cheap sattilite system, while Luke, who was now confined to a wheelchair due to a lack of legs because two huge bullets blew them off, was brushing his hair.

"Hey Jan?" Luke asked, looking up. Jan sighed, not turning away from Jerry Springer.

"What is it, bro?"

"Have you ever stopped to think why we keep coming back?" Luke asked, putting down his hair brush.

"What are you talkin' about, Luke?"

"I mean, every year we come back at least once to do some random stuff, then we get paid by that wierd Japanese man. Last I remember, you got burnt up."

"Yeah, the last I remember, you got turned into a legless little bitch. Your point?" Jan sighed.

"I'm just saying, it's wierd."

"Don't dwell on it, bro. You'll make things go shitty again, what with your pompous attitude and your good looks and your glasses and your nerdy voice actor..."

"...What in the holy fuck are you talking about, Jan?"

"Nothing...." Jan sighed, before turning it to the playboy channel. "PAYDIRT!" Jan shouted, jumping up and beginning to dry hump the T.V. , While Luke thought for a moment about his existance.

"Ah well, at least Alucard's not here to break my legs again..." Luke said, pulling back the curtains and looking out over the city. Suddenly, he looked down, and saw a familiar man in a red hat and trenchcoat smiling from the roof of a pizzaria and pointing at him.

"Tonight....YOU!!!" Alucard said to Luke in a way only he could hear him, pointing and grinning widely. Luke wimpered for a moment before drawing the curtains again, and trying to think happy thoughts.


Later that night, Luke and Jan were sleeping, when all of a sudden, Luke heard a tapping at the living room window. Luke nervously walked over to the window, as the tapping grew louder. Eventually it became a loud bang, as Luke finally threw back the curtains...and saw pebbles being flicked at the window. He watched, until human limbs and organs began smacking against the window. He finally looked down to see the source of the noise....

It was Zorin Blitz. She eventually smiled an odd, twisted smile. She gave a twitchy "Call me", before exploding in a shower of candy. Luke stared for a moment, before closing the window, and sighing in relief.

"Well at least it wasn't...." He said as he turned around, and saw the sight that haunted his nightmares for so long... "ALUCARD!!!!!!!!!!"

"That's right, Luke Valentine..." The vampire said, relaxing in Jan's lounge chair. "Remember how big of a pussy you were when we fought? You had no powers like fun. You RUINED my fun, Valentine...and now....I only have one question to ask you..." Alucard said, rising, and popping his neck, and beginning to walk slowly toward Luke, who had a horrified look on his face, and an equally horrifying yellow stain on his pants. Alucard reached inside his jacket, and smiled, as Luke shut his eyes..

"Is this yours?" Alucard asked, pulling out Luke's shotgun that he had dropped so long ago. "Because I didn't know who's it was, and I kept thinking 'Huh, where had I seen that before', and didn't really want to keep it since I had two pistols a tommy gun and a bitchin' sword, so I finally remembered 'Hey, didn't that Valentine guy have that shotgun?', so I decided to come out here and give it back to you."

Luke kept staring at Alucard for a few moments, mouth open still in fear. "Y...Y....Ye...Yes...i-it is..." Luke said, taking the shotgun out of Alucard's hands shakily. "T-thank y-you..."

"No problem, dude.....oh and by the way..." Alucard said as he was about to leave, before turning around, now in his level 1 release state, the hellhound on his arm. "BOO!!!"

Luke now began scream in such a high tone of voice, that dog's eardrums around the neighborhood would explode if sed sound were played again. Alucard laughed for a moment, leaving Luke to scream for the rest of the night...and the next day...and the next day...

"Und ze next!"


"Make me."


"No, you are not mein maker."


"I vin."

Damn...I'll have to get back at you somehow!


Act 2: Chapter 2: Major wants to play.

The streets below the ruins of London were crowded with the Nazi vampires of Millenium, and the robed forces of the Vatican...Alucard had finally made his way to London, and jumped in the middle of the crowd. Then, in a shower of pages, Anderson appeared in the crowd.

Above the city, Captain was prepared to jump, when Major suddenly put his hand up, and moved to where Captain stood.

"Stop, old freund...This fight needs to go into my hands now!" Major said, ripping an assult rifle out of the hands of a nearby soldier and readying himself to jump out of the zeppelin. Captain suddenly grew a shocked look on his face, before shaking his head violently. Dok and a few others tried to restrain the crazed man, before he broke free and jumped.



Meanwhile, in the streets, Alucard had began his Level 0 declaration...

"The Bird of my name....Eating my wings...To make me..." He tried to finish, before looking up and seeing a large white blob flying down at a high rate of speed. "Well, this is new..." Alucard managed to get out, before being crushed by The Major.

"Anticlahmactic as ever..." Anderson said, adjusting his glasses. Major only gurgled.


Meanwhile, in the zeppelin, Captain, Schrodinger, Dok, and Walter were staring over the edge of the diving platform.

"Dibs on his chair!" Schrodinger shouted.

"I haff his jumbo screen!" Dok shouted.

"I get his gun!" Walter shouted.

"I'll be in my room." Captain said abruptly, before widening his eyes and putting both his hands over his mouth. Everyone stared at him with gaping mouths, before he ran off, still in a state of panic.


Act 2: Chapter 3: Hellsing Kareoke (DA EDITION!!!)

Hellsing, Iscariot, and Millenium had decided to once and for all settle who was the better singing. The small kareoke bar was crowded with Alucard, Seras, Integra, and Pip, representing Hellsing. Anderson, Heinkel and Yumiko represented Iscariot. Captain, Schrodinger, Major, and Dok(Who was the DJ), represented Millenium.

"Okay, who ist up first?" Dok asked, as he sat at the turntable. Captain slowly walked foreward.

"Oh this ought to be good..." Alucard smirked. Captain took the stage, cleared his throat...and pulled out a tape recorder.

"People still use those?!" Yumiko shouted. Captain glanced at her for a moment, before bearing his fangs slightly. He put a tape into the recorder, hit play...and then ate it. Everyone's eyes widened slightly, until after a few moments, he opened his mouth. However, he didn't get the song he wanted...


He quickly shut his mouth and ran off stage, embarrased. Everyone laughed except Millenium, who were trying to console the now weeping captain. Every time he opened his mouth to sob, more of the disturbing song kept playing. Next up was The Major.

"Und vat song vill you be singing, herr Major?" Dok asked, pulling out a bottle of bourbun whiskey.

"Ve didn't start the fire" By Billy Joel." Dok put a cd in the player, and hit play, as Major waddled on stage.

"Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray
South Pacific, Valter Vinchell, Joe DiMaggio,

Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television,
North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe...

Rosenbergs, H-Bomb, Sugar Ray, Panmunjom
Brando, "The King and I", und "The Catcher in the Rye"

Eisenhower, waccine, Hellsing's got a new queen ,
Marciano, Liberace, Santayana goodbye

Ve didn't start the fire,
It vas always burning
Since der vorld's been turning,
Ve didn't start the fire
Nein, Ve didn't light it
But ve tried to fight it!"

At this point, Dandy, and Jan Valentine, who were in the audience, began hissing and booing the Major, and screaming "LIAR!". Major walked offstage angrily.

Now, it was Anderson's turn. By this point, Dok was spinning in his chair drunk, so Seras became the DJ.

"Now...Mr. Anderson...what song will you be singing?" she asked nervously to the crazed scot who tried to kill her several months back. Anderson smiled.
"Ah wi' be singin' mah personal fav'rit Scoo'ish song, 'Ald Lang Syne!'.". Seras nervously put a cd in, as Anderson took the stage.

"Should auld acquaintance be fergot
And ne'er brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be fergot
An' days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, mah dear,
For auld land syne
We'll tak' a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne."

Anderson continued with the song, before being joined by Heinkel and Yumi. Anderson stopped singing at this point, his face growing red with rage. He eventually roared, and turned around, and slammed Yumiko through the wall of the stage.

"DAMNIT YUMIKO!!!" The angered scotsman screamed. Heinkel walked off stage with him as she screamed to him about his problem from the pills. Integra smiled at Alucard, who hopped up on stage.


"Show them no remorse, Alucard! Show them that you are the best singer here! Release Control Art Restriction System to Level FUNKY and SHOW THEM WHAT YOU CAN DO!!!" Integra shouted, as Alucard smiled.

"The Bird of Jackson...Is My name...Eating My Wings...To Make...Me....TAME!!!" Alucard shouted, as suddenly, the room turned black, smoke started pouring from the stage, and Alucard's familiars burst forth from the casket he had brought with him, and circled around him. Everyone in the room cowered in fear, as suddenly, The Familiars formed lines at his sides...Alucard was seen posing, side to the crowd, and hand on his hat...and one of his gloves was off...there was no question...this was Thriller. The Monsters began to dance, as Alucard jumped forth.

"It's Close To Midnight And Something Evil's Lurking In The Dark,
Under The Moonlight You See A Sight That Almost Stops Your Heart,
You Try To Scream But Terror Takes The Sound Before You Make It!
You Start To Freeze As Horror Looks You Right Between The Eyes,
You’re Paralyzed!

'Cause This Is Thriller, Thriller Night!
And No One's Gonna Save You From The Beast About Strike!
You Know It's Thriller, Thriller Night!
You’re Fighting For Your Life Inside A Killer, Thriller Tonight!

You Hear The Door Slam And Realize There's Nowhere Left To Run.
You Feel The Cold Hand And Wonder If You'll Ever See The Sun.
You Close Your Eyes And Hope That This Is Just Imagination,
But All The While You Hear The Creature Creepin' Up Behind
You're Out Of Time!

Cause This Is Thriller, Thriller Night!
There Ain't No Second Chance Against The Thing With
Forty Eyes!
You Know It's Thriller, Thriller Night!
You're Fighting For Your Life Inside Of Killer, Thriller Tonight!

Night Creatures Call!
And The Dead Start To Walk In Their Masquerade!
There's No Escapin' The Jaws Of The Alien This Time!
(They're Open Wide)!
This Is The End Of Your Life!

They're Out To Get You, There’s Demons Closing In On Every Side!
They Will Possess You Unless You Change The Number On Your Dial!
Now Is The Time For You And I To Cuddle Close Together!
All Thru The Night I’ll Save You From The Terror On The Screen,
I'll Make You See...

That This Is Thriller, Thriller Night!
Cause I Can Thrill You More Than Any Ghost Would Dare To Try!
Girl, This Is Thriller, Thriller Night!
So Let Me Hold You Tight And Share A Killer, Diller, Chiller
Thriller Here Tonight!

Darkness Falls Across The Land!
The Midnite Hour Is Close At Hand!
Creatures Crawl In Search Of Blood,
To Terrorize Y’awl’s Neighbourhood!
And Whosoever Shall Be Found,
Without The Soul For Getting Down,
Must Stand And Face The Hounds Of Hell,
And Rot Inside A Corpse's Shell!
The Foulest Stench Is In The Air!
The Funk Of Forty Thousand Years!
And Grizzy Ghouls From Every Tomb,
Are Closing In To Seal Your Doom,
And Though You Fight To Stay Alive,
Your Body Starts To Shiver,
For No Mere Mortal Can Resist
The Evil Of The Thriller!"

Alucard smirked, as every familiar dissipated around him.Everyone stared open mouthed, even the Captain, who's odd song was still playing in his stomach. Everyone eventually rose up and clapped.

"That vas wery good, AluCAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!" Schrodinger tried to say, before Alucard stuffed him inside his jacket and ran off giggling. Everyone stared, until Integra spoke up.

"Well, now, I belive there is no question on who won the contest, hmm?"

"Jahwohl....DER CAPTAIN UND I TIED!" The Major shouted.

"No, ANDERSON WON!" Maxwell screamed.


This continued on into the night...and no one even heard the cries of Schrodinger, who walked back in to the zeppelin with a bad limp the next morning.


Songs used:

"The Ding Dong Song" Gunther (Captain's song)
"We Didn't start the fire." Billy Joel (Major's song)
"Auld Lang Syne" Scotland (Anderson's song)
"Thriller" Michael Jackson (Alucard's Song.)

I just noticed how much Thriller suited Alucard 0_0

And yes, Alucard did what you think he did to poor Schrodinger. 0.0
This is a special birthday edition of Hellsing WTF. Yup, as of September 8th, I'm one year older ^.^

In this act:

Valentine Brothers return.

Major decides to be a big boy.

Alucard sings.
Add a Comment:
Rae1220 Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i died from laughter but then became reincarnated when i read the part with alucard and scrodinger,whose name i get mixed up with scrotumdingdong(lol until you die), i didn't get that part and i hope to god it isn't what i'm thinking or i'll become angry.
paparoach23 Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
No, nononono, it's not what you're thinking. He...uh...He just took him to see Twilight, that's all. :'D Hahaha,'s...that's it.....
Rae1220 Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thats even worse or...uh equally worse..wait, micheal jackson,little boy..rape!!!!!! your making fun of micheal jackson!!!!!! and you dragged alucard into this!!!!! for shame! but making fun of twilight lessens your shame. :spam:
p.s. i am still laughing about what i said about scrodingers name, i get it horribly mixed up.
paparoach23 Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Well granted, I did write this before the stuff with Michael happened. I never suspected that he actually did anything to the kid once I reached the age of reason. It's just a running joke in some of my stories where Alucard goes after Schrodinger. I'm not fond of the pairing, by any means, and I don't condone RL rape. XD'

I think I lost my shame somewhere around the time when I dressed as Pyramid Head from silent hill and danced around a department store one halloween.
Rae1220 Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
ah,good fun,good fun. i remember when i never did that...memories...
firestarter98 Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2009
:'D Why didn't I notice this one.

paparoach23 Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
xD It is, innit?
firestarter98 Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2009
o3o Damn straight.

And guess what! My messenger is working! We might actually be able to talk this weekend X3
paparoach23 Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Awesome! I was wondering when the hell you were gonna get back on XDD
firestarter98 Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2009
As was I D: I almost cried tears of joy when I finally logged in XD
anilucarda Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2009
paparoach23 Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Glad you liked it.
anilucarda Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2009
Ex-Eyez Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2007
paparoach23 Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2007  Hobbyist Writer
Re-he-he-he-heaaaly? That's odd XD Mine's September the 8th.

XD thanks for reading the story too
Ex-Eyez Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2007
You're welcome.

but yeah, Sept. * is my lil b's b-day.
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